This is the opening post.
I guess what has happened to me since the beginning of the year has led me to embarking on this blog.
Some background details (by the way, this is not an advertisement, just my background so you can understand who I am) :
I am a fairly conservative, old fashioned guy, from a traditional european catholic family. That I guess presents some problems for me as far as the fact that I am also gay. I am not really open about it, but my friends do know and accept me. I am not really the stereotypical gay guy. I don’t criticise others for their lives, thats who they are, but I don’t apologise for being me either. It is not a lifestyle thing for me. And being old fashioned, I’m hardly the type for clubs or the scene. My lifestyle is fairly family, friend and community oriented. I enjoy spending time chatting, playing board games, going to the symphony, opera, theatre, movies. I enjoy nature and its beauty. I love classical music, and I play the piano. I am also a little bit of a geek with technology, and passionate about computers. At my core, I get most pleasure out of helping other people.
Until this year, I have been in a 5 year relationship with a guy I met online. I remember even back then, it seemed hard to find someone who was genuinely interested in something long-term. All seemed well for a while, but towards the end of last year this person began seeing someone on the side, and once i found out, you can imagine things went down hill pretty quickly, and in fact, the person I had met 5 years back, is not the person that broke up with me. Something has changed in his life. He now seeks a more sexually fulfilling lifestyle with a variety of people.
Needless to say, it has been a very devastating blow to myself. It has led me to so many questions.
I have signed myself up to many gay dating sites, and I have been fairly honest about who I am in my profile, but it seems there isn’t much interest, and most guys are not as conservative as myself, let alone have any interest in anything religious. I have only encountered 3 profiles out of many hundreds who are gay, catholic, and still have some sort of spiritual connection with their faith.
I have spent the months trying to fill a void inside myself (I am sure I am not still in love with the ex), but there is so much turmoil and pain.
I have always been fairly involved in my church community, and have always valued my faith. After a lot of re-evaluation, I can say it is still high in importance, and in moving forward, I don’t want to compromise myself again.
Google searching for gay and catholic turns up very little. Mostly articles of the church condemning gay people, or other newsy, tabloid style items. But there is very little in terms of peoples stories and how they overcome their troubles. If there is anything, it is usually something over in the U.S. But there is not so much going on here in Australia.
I’m not looking for easy answers. It is not an easy topic. I know God created me, and I understand the order of the universe. But I also know God has created me the way I am. I didn’t choose this path, and knowing how difficult it is, I wouldn’t have chosen it either! So what does God have planned for me?
Am I meant to be alone? Sure I have great family and friends and community, but humans need a close companion. We were made for it. Life is very lonely by one’s self. Everyone else pairs off and settles down. There is only so much time that people can give you before they have to continue on with their own daily routines. And I don’t begrudge them that either. They have all been very generous with me for sure. But there is going to come a time where I am truly alone. How is this what it is meant to be?
At the beginning of this trouble, I had seriously wondered was life worth continuing with. In fact, at my low points, that voice often speaks up. But it is not a powerful voice, and I can see the folly of such an act. But I do understand now how some people can get to that stage. Last week at mass, I heard the homily by our priest, and these words rang out to me:
“…life is a gift from God, and the worst possible thing we can do, is to return that gift, unopened.”
That really made me think, and appreciate that life is not really that bad for me. Not when you take the fact that I have food, shelter and clothing, I have family, friends, a job, education and possessions I have built up over the last decade. So why is it that I am feeling so bad? Why can’t I just feel happy? There are people who are far worse off than myself, yet they manage to live life cheerfully.
A close friend of mine, who has depression, has identified the same pattern in me. He wants me to go get help for it, but it is scary proposition for one who is so private about things personal. But I do acknowledge that it is a problem that needs to be dealt with, and have not been doing so well on my own.
Anyhow, this is a first post, not a very good or polished one, but better to get something out there.
I’m interested to hear anyone else’s stories.