Another year has gone by, a blog empty, abandoned. This must change.
Last year was one that ushered in a lot of change for me.
Some unusual events and a chance meeting provided the closure I needed to a 4 year question. It’s not every day you meet the the other guy, whom was as unaware of you as much as you of him. Listening to his story, I discover he was treated in much the same way as I. There was no anger or hatred for him: he was just an unknowing victim. We each provided the other missing the pieces. He had no idea there was yet another guy, but I was able to fill him in there and I think in the end we helped each other close very messy chapters in our lives. On Bastille Day, a great fire roared, and mementos kept from a 5 year lie were burnt as offerings to a new beginning. Norman Lindasy would have understood: abridged revisions don’t count.
I also came to realise a composition from 2008 related to the above issue was in fact complete. Somehow before, I could never hear the hope in the music that rose from the deep canyon of despair I had found myself in. One of the few pieces I have titled, it really does offer beginnings from endings.
This year, I have a new home, a place to call my own. Life has begun to move again. I can once again see the picture clearly, conceived so many years ago. I have renewed friendships both near and afar, and made progress on personal goals set long ago.
That said, I owe much to my family and close friends, the rock upon which the foundations of my life rest. But this rock was given to me by yet another, much neglected benefactor.
My spiritual being is like an abandoned garden. Weeds have taken hold throughout and everything is an overgrown jungle, entangled in confusion. My project for this year is to tend to this garden, and rediscover the centre of my life.
One of my biggest hurdles is how to overcome the shame in being honest about who and what I am. I have come to question it of late. Certainly, if I had a choice, this is not the life I would choose. Marriage and family are desirable, but is it a lie to attempt to pursue this? Such a life would certainly be easier, and more accepted, the path commonly travelled. Whilst I haven no illusions that such a life does not have its own struggles, at the end of the day there is someone to share with, and children to devote my life to. Drawing up my last will and testament really brought this home.
It all really boils down to identity yet again. Why can’t I be comfortable with who I am? Why do I have such strong fear of being rejected by those around me? What is the purpose of my life?
Ashamedly, I have realised the last few years I have introverted myself, and havn’t put myself out there to help others. This year I have to return to what I was.
Good luck to all of you in 2012…make this year count!
