The world is large and small, both at the same time

It has been a while since I have last posted, and nearly 5 years since I first posted.

On reflection much has changed, and at the same time, things are still the same. I have been single for most of this period. But I have my own roof and have enjoyed the task of making the place my own.  I am also a Godfather, and love my friends for bestowing such an honour upon myself. They are like family.

I have had the privilege to come in to contact with many nice people as a a result of this blog, and have even met some in person too.  Some I plan to meet one day when I venture out into the world outside of Australia. One day 🙂

I have been criticized by some, accused of being a coffee catholic and leading people astray. At the end of the day, people have a conscience, and are expected to use it. The church has a problem where it focus’s its energy on things of a personal nature, on peoples personal morality, and are so focused on persecuting minorities such as the LGBT communities and and single or divorced women that for big issues such as poverty and fairness for others they often turn a blind eye. In many cases they become entangled in local conservative politics, or worse, protect their own transgressions. As far as child abuse in the Church goes, its far more heinous a sin for two people who love each other to sleep together, than the sexual abuse of a child by a member of the clergy. They are more entitled to forgiveness than a women who’s husband has abandoned her. Hypocrisy. I am not perfect, but neither is the institution that preaches to us each Sunday. The church is just as prone to corruption as any of us, and indeed it happens every day.

There have been times I have wanted to hit the delete button. There are things here that are painful reminders for me, things I’d rather forget. Then, out of the blue I will get an email from someone who share their story with me, and how they feel connected, that they are not alone. At the end of the day, that is what I set out to do when I started this. I felt alone, and disconnected, and wanted to help myself and others to feel that they are not alone out there. At the end of this day, it is bigger than just me.

I know I haven’t written in a while, and to some extent I lost the fire in my belly to continue writing on here. At times I’ve felt lost, or hopeless. But in some ways I am never truly alone, God sends someone into your life when you need it most. I am blessed to be surrounded by loving family and friends.

I hope to write more on here this year, we’ll see how things go.

Thank you to those who have reached out to contact me over the years, and for those that keep myself and others in their prayers.

Josh

 

 

 

 

 

Unique

One night whilst staring into the heavens,

I saw a shooting star.

It’s brightness shone far beyond all other.

It fell upon me and in that instant, I was bathed in its warmth.

it brought me comfort and love, a sense of completeness.

It was unique amongst the backdrop of the galaxies.

But like all shooting stars, was fleeting and brief.

It’s death came too soon.

But the memory lives on.

Mean Sex

Lol I just had to write this, but its always interesting reading how people find my blog.

Apparently someone looking for “mean sex” came across one of my posts. I hope they weren’t too disappointed.

 

Reflection whilst on holiday…

As I started writing I caught myself in a negative rant, but really what I wanted to say is:

I thank God firstly for my family and friends.
I thank Him for my Church family.
I thank Him for my gifts and talents.
I thank Him for having work and a roof over my head.

I thank Him for the life I once almost threw away.

I am scared though. It takes courage and faith to give over your life to someone else. It’s hard not to want to have your hands on the steering-wheel of life, but sometimes you have to accept that help from above.

Pray for me to have strength to take the path less travelled.

Love really means sex

Maybe I’m just a cynical shell these days, but it’s hard not to think that real love is just simply a fairytale, most of all amongst gay men.

My interactions with gay men over the last 24 months have shown to me that whilst I search for a happily ever after, most of these guys are just looking for a happy ending. It seems that at the end of the day we are no more evolved than our knuckle-dragging ancestors.

I have been trying to write something more to this, but I can’t finish it right now. I just don’t have the words….

Starting again in 2012

Another year has gone by, a blog empty, abandoned. This must change.

Last year was one that ushered in a lot of change for me.

Some unusual events and a chance meeting provided the closure I needed to a 4 year question. It’s not every day you meet the the other guy, whom was as unaware of you as much as you of him. Listening to his story, I discover he was treated in much the same way as I. There was no anger or hatred for him: he was just an unknowing victim. We each provided the other missing the pieces. He had no idea there was yet another guy, but I was able to fill him in there and I think in the end we helped each other close very messy chapters in our lives. On Bastille Day, a great fire roared, and mementos kept from a 5 year lie were burnt as offerings to a new beginning. Norman Lindasy would have understood: abridged revisions don’t count.

I also came to realise a composition from 2008 related to the above issue was in fact complete. Somehow before, I could never hear the hope in the music that rose from the deep canyon of despair I had found myself in. One of the few pieces I have titled, it really does offer beginnings from endings.

This year, I have a new home, a place to call my own. Life has begun to move again. I can once again see the picture clearly, conceived so many years ago. I have renewed friendships both near and afar, and made progress on personal goals set long ago.

That said, I owe much to my family and close friends, the rock upon which the foundations of my life rest. But this rock was given to me by yet another, much neglected benefactor.

My spiritual being is like an abandoned garden. Weeds have taken hold throughout and everything is an overgrown jungle, entangled in confusion. My project for this year is to tend to this garden, and rediscover the centre of my life.

One of my biggest hurdles is how to overcome the shame in being honest about who and what I am. I have come to question it of late. Certainly, if I had a choice, this is not the life I would choose. Marriage and family are desirable, but is it a lie to attempt to pursue this? Such a life would certainly be easier, and more accepted, the path commonly travelled. Whilst I haven no illusions that such a life does not have its own struggles, at the end of the day there is someone to share with, and children to devote my life to. Drawing up my last will and testament really brought this home.

It all really boils down to identity yet again. Why can’t I be comfortable with who I am? Why do I have such strong fear of being rejected by those around me? What is the purpose of my life?

Ashamedly, I have realised the last few years I have introverted myself, and havn’t put myself out there to help others. This year I have to return to what I was.

Good luck to all of you in 2012…make this year count!

Time for something new…

 

I am preparing to return after having a break away for a long time.