Gay Catholics

I guess it is time for another reflection from me.

It has been now just over 3 months since my relationship was ended. I can say I have never experienced such agony, such loss. I don’t normally listen to non-classical music, but I do hear it in my comings and goings, and I understand now why there are so many songs written about the pain of breakup.

It was my first relationship, and I really thought from the outset it was my last. It was reaching 5 years, and not without its up’s and downs, but I thought it was strong. Turns out I was on the Titanic, and fated to hit the iceberg in December 2007. It took a further month-and-a-half to sink (I worked to save it), but in the end, demise was inevitable.

Over these months, I have been through so much. My world stopped for about 2 months. The first month, was excruciating pain, burning chest pains and poor sleep. I lived in false hope that it was just temporary. The hardest part about it all was the communication blackout. A text message was all that was offered to indicate the fate of the relationship. The words were extremely economical and spare. I had to elicit response with questions of which reply consisted of one word answers. Never again did I hear was I to hear his voice (he refused voice communication, and I never heard or saw him again. That weekend, I was at home alone, and my friends were all away or busy. On that Sunday, I comprehended for the first time why someone would take their life. I just wanted to die.

The second month started with me getting the flu. Coincidentally, my mother was interstate for a week, and the rest of my family was out at work. I spent my time at home alone, and I spiraled to my lowest ever. This was the beginning of a month of isolation. My appetite had already waned over the first month, and almost ground to a halt in this second month. My emotions were ranging from despair to anger to hatred. I prayed hard to let these bad passions flow from me.

I had support from close friends, and my sister. The rest of my family was unaware of what had happened, though they noticed my condition. I was a shadow of myself. Internally I was demolished, and had no energy to keep that happy face on, hiding my pain. I lost any will to live, and felt like it was all over. My mum and dad were troubled, and asked me on many occasions what was wrong, to which my reply was always that there was nothing wrong. I could barely eat. Over this time, I had now lost 15 kg (33 lbs).

My friends all went above and beyond, but through no fault of their own, were helpless, and I know this was hurting them. By this stage, I was no longer in love with the ex. I was in love with whom I thought he was. An ideal. Since I had no communication, I could not understand what had happened. I learned a lot about him using the internet, and discovered a stranger. That was a blow even harder than the first. Again I turned to prayer.  I included my ex and his new partner, whom he had been seeing on the side in the last 6 months of 2007, in my prayers. I avoided blame or judgement. This is just how it is meant to be.

This third month has been recovery. I have been praying harder than I ever have, so many questions, so many prayers. Why? How? What was wrong? They have been my mantra over the last 3 months. 

With hindsight, I know my relationship with God has not been the closest over the last 5 years. I made my ex the centre of my life, an unhealthy choice. 

I was lost, but The Shepherd came for me. I had turned to a path of destruction, but was rescued. I know God loves me. I don’t understand how or why things have happened, but I have finally surrendered these worries over to his care. He has a plan for me. I suffered greatly, but did Jesus not suffer the ultimate pain for my sins. I have a new chance at this life. 

Where to from here, I don’t know. I see this blog as part of what I have to do going forward. I want other people like me to know they are not alone. I want them to know they can be SSA, and still love and know God, and can still practice their faith. I want them to know that yes, even though we make mistakes, and gravely offend God with our sins, God still loves and forgives us. Eventually, we learn.