Lifeline 22 May 2008
Posted by sydcatholic80 in Stories.Tags: anxiety, counselling, depression, fear, grief, grieving, help, isolation, loss, pain, pressure, sadness, stress, suicide
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Firstly, I would like to say I am eternally grateful this service exists here in Australia. I am sure that it helps so many people on a regular basis.
Today, I made a call to Lifeline. Over the last few months, I have considered calling Lifeline to talk with someone, but I have never been big on the idea of counselling. I am a very private person, and I thought I would have difficulty to discuss such intimate details of myself with someone else.
But, I was quite surprised in the end how easy it became as the conversation drew on.
I have not been coping well with stress at the moment. It is drawing to the end of the semester, there are lots of assignments due, and exams approaching, and recent events have just taken so much out of me, there is barely anything left to deal with all this.
I woke this morning extremely depressed, with a high amount of anxiety. I dropped my mother and sister off at the station, and returned home to an empty house. At the moment, this is the worst thing for me, to be alone. I received an sms from a very close friend, and sent off a reply. I logged into my computer, saw a friend on msn. He is at work, so we only chatted briefly. His fiance is was on facebook, and likewise she is at work. We chatted briefly, but understandable they are busy. My sister also gave me a quick call from work. I had tried to call her earlier but she was unavailable.
The net result of all of this, is I am alone. Isolated. I said a prayer. It still did not change how I felt.
I looked up the Lifeline number on their website. I wasn’t sure if I should call. Would I be tying the line up for someone who needed it more, but I saw on the website, it is also for people feeling isolated or alone. After some consideration, I got the courage to pick up the phone and dial the number. After a quick announcement, an operator picked up the call. It all happened so fast, I was tempted to hang up in panic. But I stayed on, and eventually over a significant period of time, I had recalled my story, warts and all. Some details took particular courage.
But it did help. I did not feel alone.
The next steps, see university counsellor, see a LifeLine counsellor. I will have to do the former, and still thinking about the latter.
But, I cannot stress how important these services are to society. It’s hard to appreciate something until you need it.
Moving forward, though slowly… 19 May 2008
Posted by sydcatholic80 in Stories.Tags: breakup, catholic, depression, gay, homosexuality, loneliness, loss, pain, religion, SSA, struggle, suicide
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I guess it is time for another reflection from me.
It has been now just over 3 months since my relationship was ended. I can say I have never experienced such agony, such loss. I don’t normally listen to non-classical music, but I do hear it in my comings and goings, and I understand now why there are so many songs written about the pain of breakup.
It was my first relationship, and I really thought from the outset it was my last. It was reaching 5 years, and not without its up’s and downs, but I thought it was strong. Turns out I was on the Titanic, and fated to hit the iceberg in December 2007. It took a further month-and-a-half to sink (I worked to save it), but in the end, demise was inevitable.
Over these months, I have been through so much. My world stopped for about 2 months. The first month, was excruciating pain, burning chest pains and poor sleep. I lived in false hope that it was just temporary. The hardest part about it all was the communication blackout. A text message was all that was offered to indicate the fate of the relationship. The words were extremely economical and spare. I had to elicit response with questions of which reply consisted of one word answers. Never again did I hear was I to hear his voice (he refused voice communication, and I never heard or saw him again. That weekend, I was at home alone, and my friends were all away or busy. On that Sunday, I comprehended for the first time why someone would take their life. I just wanted to die.
The second month started with me getting the flu. Coincidentally, my mother was interstate for a week, and the rest of my family was out at work. I spent my time at home alone, and I spiraled to my lowest ever. This was the beginning of a month of isolation. My appetite had already waned over the first month, and almost ground to a halt in this second month. My emotions were ranging from despair to anger to hatred. I prayed hard to let these bad passions flow from me.
I had support from close friends, and my sister. The rest of my family was unaware of what had happened, though they noticed my condition. I was a shadow of myself. Internally I was demolished, and had no energy to keep that happy face on, hiding my pain. I lost any will to live, and felt like it was all over. My mum and dad were troubled, and asked me on many occasions what was wrong, to which my reply was always that there was nothing wrong. I could barely eat. Over this time, I had now lost 15 kg (33 lbs).
My friends all went above and beyond, but through no fault of their own, were helpless, and I know this was hurting them. By this stage, I was no longer in love with the ex. I was in love with whom I thought he was. An ideal. Since I had no communication, I could not understand what had happened. I learned a lot about him using the internet, and discovered a stranger. That was a blow even harder than the first. Again I turned to prayer. I included my ex and his new partner, whom he had been seeing on the side in the last 6 months of 2007, in my prayers. I avoided blame or judgement. This is just how it is meant to be.
This third month has been recovery. I have been praying harder than I ever have, so many questions, so many prayers. Why? How? What was wrong? They have been my mantra over the last 3 months.
With hindsight, I know my relationship with God has not been the closest over the last 5 years. I made my ex the centre of my life, an unhealthy choice.
I was lost, but The Shepherd came for me. I had turned to a path of destruction, but was rescued. I know God loves me. I don’t understand how or why things have happened, but I have finally surrendered these worries over to his care. He has a plan for me. I suffered greatly, but did Jesus not suffer the ultimate pain for my sins. I have a new chance at this life.
Where to from here, I don’t know. I see this blog as part of what I have to do going forward. I want other people like me to know they are not alone. I want them to know they can be SSA, and still love and know God, and can still practice their faith. I want them to know that yes, even though we make mistakes, and gravely offend God with our sins, God still loves and forgives us. Eventually, we learn.
