My interactions with gay men over the last 24 months have shown to me that whilst I search for a happily ever after, most of these guys are just looking for a happy ending. It seems that at the end of the day we are no more evolved than our knuckle-dragging ancestors.

I have been trying to write something more to this, but I can’t finish it right now. I just don’t have the words….

Last year was one that ushered in a lot of change for me.

Some unusual events and a chance meeting provided the closure I needed to a 4 year question. It’s not every day you meet the the other guy, whom was as unaware of you as much as you of him. Listening to his story, I discover he was treated in much the same way as I. There was no anger or hatred for him: he was just an unknowing victim. We each provided the other missing the pieces. He had no idea there was yet another guy, but I was able to fill him in there and I think in the end we helped each other close very messy chapters in our lives. On Bastille Day, a great fire roared, and mementos kept from a 5 year lie were burnt as offerings to a new beginning. Norman Lindasy would have understood: abridged revisions don’t count.

I also came to realise a composition from 2008 related to the above issue was in fact complete. Somehow before, I could never hear the hope in the music that rose from the deep canyon of despair I had found myself in. One of the few pieces I have titled, it really does offer beginnings from endings.

This year, I have a new home, a place to call my own. Life has begun to move again. I can once again see the picture clearly, conceived so many years ago. I have renewed friendships both near and afar, and made progress on personal goals set long ago.

That said, I owe much to my family and close friends, the rock upon which the foundations of my life rest. But this rock was given to me by yet another, much neglected benefactor.

My spiritual being is like an abandoned garden. Weeds have taken hold throughout and everything is an overgrown jungle, entangled in confusion. My project for this year is to tend to this garden, and rediscover the centre of my life.

One of my biggest hurdles is how to overcome the shame in being honest about who and what I am. I have come to question it of late. Certainly, if I had a choice, this is not the life I would choose. Marriage and family are desirable, but is it a lie to attempt to pursue this? Such a life would certainly be easier, and more accepted, the path commonly travelled. Whilst I haven no illusions that such a life does not have its own struggles, at the end of the day there is someone to share with, and children to devote my life to. Drawing up my last will and testament really brought this home.

It all really boils down to identity yet again. Why can’t I be comfortable with who I am? Why do I have such strong fear of being rejected by those around me? What is the purpose of my life?

Ashamedly, I have realised the last few years I have introverted myself, and havn’t put myself out there to help others. This year I have to return to what I was.

Good luck to all of you in 2012…make this year count!

I am preparing to return after having a break away for a long time.

Unfortunately, its not for the reason I put this blog together, and only really because  I have an old Christmas article with a Christmas photo up.

But it does prove people are definitely thinking about Christmas already. Tonight I was around at my friends house. He is literally the Spirit of Christmas! For the last 2 months he has been working on his fruit mince, and I must say, his fruit mince pies are the best I have tasted! He has already ordered his Christmas Tree, is looking at lights and decorations, and been planning Christmas dinners and recipes.

All this makes me think, how am I going to prepare myself for Christmas this year?

Most years it manages to whizz by without me having put any real soul into it.

This year I want to have a Christmas resolution: to make sure I contribute something positive during this season. I would like to connect more on a spiritual level with season.

It’s sad that is such a busy, commercial event. We have forgotten what it really is all about.

At the same time, I continue to struggle with my life, trying to find some meaning in it.

Maybe there is some connection.

At least Christmas isn’t necessarily a misery as my ex felt it was. That should have been warning enough for me to have avoided going down that path. Hindsight is 20/20. If only….

Below some stats graphs to illustrate what I mean about the sudden spikes:

I haven’t been keeping tabs on this, other than to reply to emails I have received, or comments people have left.

Seeing Christmas on the front page and with Christmas fast approaching, I thought I should do something to correct this.

I’m sorry I don’t have any inspiration to write at the moment, but I hope to have something here soon.

Josh

Nativity scene, courtesy of http://blog.scuolaleonardo.com/

Yet, we must not forget those who are alone or homeless this Christmas. For some of those people, this time of year can be extremely sad and painful time.

The most important thing to remember, is why we are celebrating at this time of year at all. It’s not the commercial feast that the secular world proclaims. It’s a time to remember the birth of Jesus. It should be a time to reflect on the past year, look at how we have lived our lives, and see if we can become better people.

The biggest gift  we can give is our love and goodwill. There are things we can do every day  to remember the forgotten people. Smile at people in the street, the assistant serving you in the shop or restaurant. Try to be cheerful. Pray for those people whom you know are hurting at this time of year. And never forget why we celebrate at this time of year.

Merry Christmas

Josh

I was hoping to find people to help contribute with content and discussion.

If you’re interested, please drop me an email (can be found on the about page).

Josh

I’ve posted a poll below.

Josh

A Creed to Live By

Don’t undermine your worth by comparing yourself with others.
It is because we are different that each of us are special.

Don’t take fore granted the things closest to your heart.
Cling to them as you would your life.

Don’t let life slip through your fingers by living in the past or for the future,
by living your life one day at a time you will live all the days of your life.

Don’t give up when you still have something to give.
Nothing is really over until the moment you stop trying.

Don’t be afraid to encounter risks.
It is by taking chances that we learn to be brave.

Don’t dismiss your dreams: to be without a dream is to be without hope;
To be without hope is to be without a purpose.

Don’t run through life so fast that you forget where you have been
but also where you’re going.

Life is not a race, but a journey to be savoured each step of the way. 

Mourn too, with those who suffer:
with the sick, the lonely and depressed
with the anxious and those who have no friends
with the apparent failures of the world.

Be aware of them, care for them as best you can,
suffer with them, pray with them, weep with them.

Such real compassion brings its own reward,
of acceptance, trust and healing.

Give, and there will be gifts for you:
a full measure, pressed down,
shaken together, and running over,
will be poured in your lap;
because the amount you measure out
is the amount you will be given back. 

Your Cross

The Everlasting God has in His wisdom
Foreseen from eternity the cross.
That He now presents to you
As a gift from His inmost heart.
This cross he sends you,
He has considered with His all-knowing eyes
Understood with His divine mind,
Tested with His wise justice,
Warmed with his loving arms.
And weighed with his own hands
To see that it be not one inch too large,
And not once too heavy for you.
He has blessed it with His Holy Name.
Anointed it with his grace
Perfumed it with His consolation.
Taken one last glance at you
And your courage.
And then sent it to you from Heaven.
A special greeting from God to you,
An alms of the all-merciful love of God.

St Francis de Sales. 

I guess however, things were quickly put into perspective. In the news today, an actor in a popular Australian medical drama “All Saints”  was found dead, reportedly of suicide due to depression.

He was only 32.

Rest in peace Mark.

Mark Priestley 09/08/1976 - 28/08/2008

How many of us go through life with blinkers on?

It is a complete shock when you fall off the road, and when you pick yourself up again, if you have had an epiphany, all of a sudden you find you don’t fit in anywhere anymore. You look at the road you fell off, and know that you can’t get back on there, and you don’t really want to in any case (putting aside nostalgia, romanticism or regret). You could if you wanted to choose ignorance again, and pretend you didn’t discover life wasn’t meant to be that way, but otherwise, the past is closed to you.

Alas when you look around, there is no where else for you to go either.

That is where I am now.

I have no idea which way to turn, or in what direction I should be looking in.

There doesn’t seem to be any place for me to turn to.

This is isolation. This is loneliness.

Anyhow, my friend RaggedBlossom sent me this back in April when I was feeling down:

One day a farmer’s donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.

Finally, he decided that the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; It just wasn’t worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbours to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone’s amazement, he quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer’s neighbours continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to get out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping and never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

1)       Free your heart from hatred – Forgive

2)       Free your mind from worries – Most never happen

3)       Live simply and appreciate what you have

4)       Give more

5)       Expect Less

I guess it does help a little to remember this. I need to remember it to stop myself falling down that well again. It has taken 6 months to climb out, and I don’t want to end up there again.

My message for the day.

God bless,

Josh

How does one find Acceptance? When placed at the cross roads of life, what do you do? Where do you turn? When do you finally close the book on one part of your life, and begin the next volume?

How do you make sense of what was, and what is? Are we meant to make sense of it?

Is time the key ingredient? How much has to pass before you begin to feel acceptance? 

It is this river of questions that someone who has had their life shaken up is trying to swim through.

Eventually, the rapids give way to calm water, and it is here one can begin to discover peace within, and the rest falls into place. 

I don’t promise it makes sense, but at least you can continue the journey, leaving behind the excess weight you do not need when continuing the ascent of life.

I have found calmer waters, and am able to tread the water. I can see what was, and what is.

And I have found the key ingredient is faith. I have to have faith in something greater than I. I have to have faith that I have had personal salvation. 

Love can blind us to bad situations, make us accept things we would not normally accept. God’s love is not blind, and he loves us so much. A close friend once told me, we have to believe we are loved and are lovable. 

Have I found acceptance? I can’t say I have found it entirely, but I am beginning to learn what it is.

Sheep at Dawn - NSW Australia

Sometimes we feel uncertain
And unsure of everything,
Afraid to make decisions,
Dreading what the day will bring-
We keep wishing it were possible
To dispel all fear and doubt
And to understand more readily
Just what life is all about -

God has given us all the answers
Which too often go unheeded,
But if we search his promises
We’ll find everything that’s needed
To lift our faltering spirits
And renew our courage too,
For there’s absolutely nothing
Too much for God to do.

For the Lord is our salvation
And our strength in every fight,
Our redeemer and protector,
Our eternal guiding light-
He has promised to sustain us,
He’s our refuge from all harms
And underneath this refuge
Are the everlasting arms -
So cast your burden on him,
Seek his council when distressed,
And go to him for comfort
When your lonely and depressed -
For God is our encouragement
In troubles and in trials
And in suffering and in sorrow
He will turn our tears to smiles. 

Helen Steiner Rice

I just thought I would give a plug to a fellow blogger who is starting up a blog of his own.

Chronicles of a guy

Josh

Lindsay has been doing some wonderful writing over on her blog, so I am posting links here to her recent writing. It is definitely worth a read, including the the comments. There is a lot to be gained from the discussion that goes on, and Lindsay’s posts attract some great discussion. Anyhow, here they are.

What your church can gain from Homosexuals 

Gay people don’t need you to fix them 

Awkward Questions 

Happy reading.

Josh

It is very confusing. I don’t understand how this can be, and yet it is. I have never been so alone in all my life. Try as I might, I have had real trouble shaking this. I have prayed hard. Many friends and family are praying hard for me. I keep myself around people as much as possible. And yet, these feelings persist.

My life is floating. I am unable to live life as I did before, and confusion has set it. The path ahead seems very isolated and alone. 

Those who are not afflicted by this kind of loneliness are blessed. But they can never understand truly what it is. Until I arrived at this point, I too was blissfully ignorant of how it felt, or what it meant.

Many lack any sort of compassion, resorting to trite responses, blaming the individual for their loneliness as if that individual made a purposeful decision to be/feel lonely. 

When I say that some people lack compassion, I do not say that they do this on purpose either. Compassion is learnt. Those who have the “perfect happy” life, and live in complete comfort all their lives will never understand the suffering of another. Compassion is learned through experience.

Perhaps thats why Christ understands us so well. He became one of us. He experienced loneliness, isolation, temptation, deep sorrow, fear, doubt, scorn, anger, pain, despair. A whole gamut of emotions. And he lived amongst all types in the society of his time.

What to take out of this little sermon? I write this stuff, but I still don’t understand it. I know very little.

All I can do, is to continue to have faith…